Nullified, I am.
Sitting, nearly lifeless, with tranquil eyes.
Pinpoints. Always.
And I wonder, is there really more to life?

Switch to the opposing. The supernatural.
Your sweet little angels, so innocent and pure.
They haven't nothing to hide.
They haven't nothing to hide!

Oh, but I do. I've been the little scum-rat
under your nose. This WHOLE time.
Primped up like a little doll.
I'm so pretty aren't I? And,
You didn't even have a clue.
Not a clue... Imagine that!

I'm the master of disguise.
The star actress, and Mmm, I played it so well.
A true chameleon.
Camouflage, lies, secrets,
Your REAL Bullshit Queen.
Just another,
Junk Queen.

Breath.
your body moving in smokey directions.
Taking everything. utilizing every worth- bit.
you have the excuse. The ability to learn.
But no mentor,
to stabilize the monster inside a tiny vile
-a monster- a seductress- a beautiful lady-
is like playing with fire. like trying not to fall
in love?

But, I'm a novice, still.

I think I have the koolest password out there, one of them. I almost wish I could share it.

I've been really wanting to take some time out and start writing again. I need to start looking for a job badly though, but I feel that if I took some time out and actually applied myself to writing, that I could.
I feel semi-inspired, creative, and feel like I have something to write about. I just need to stop being so god-damned lazy.
Theres so many things I've been lacking to do around the house too. I still need to clean out my room and the bunny cage BADLY. And other little chores around the house. I just really havent felt like it. I suppose I could when I get home from school, but I'm also thinking about going job searching too. Carls jr. is hiring. Fuck that place, but it would be something for right now. And Thats what I need.
I also sent an aplication for Bath and Body Works. I have alot of retail experience, so I'm hoping that can help. I just really, really hate retail.
I could though, go through the school and try to get some kind of internship or help to get into the psychology field. I need to get some experience with it somehow.
But either way, my money is running out and I need to find something to fix it fast.

Been stuck in a low. Most of it is being so god damn lonely, no one is here, and theres hardly anyone I can talk to.

Subject: Raw.
Feeling: Numb.
Raw defining every aspect of life. What is-
was-
and will never be. 
Numb is me. My  eyes,  lips,  fingers.
Breathless, lifeless.
Looking      Speaking      Moving
Beyond my control, but in the hands of my dear sweet
Frontal Lobe: The sorry defect.
( I could have sworn was dead)    Hand-in-Hand with my
Temporal Lobe: ( aka) Your sweet advantage. 

            (Both whom which I knew 
                      would fail me.
                And was I really wrong?)







 

Lips poised slightly.
And so slightly whisked apart.

Questionable, is my existence,
is my power
is my worth.

It was your solid presence in which I sustained.
In which I could reassure my own.

And sometimes now, I wish, like Alice-

That I could
shrink.

And if possible,

diminish.

I am your Eve.
Your words.
Your writen solitude.

The blood that flows profusly
through your coarsing veins, and
The pulse that keep you pumping
towards your great escape.

Been feeling ok. I've been binge eating like crazy. On peanut butter and chocolate of all things!!

Somehow though, when I weighed myself, I lost a few more pounds. It completely shocked me because I was convinced I would be either the same weight I was before, at 105-108, or maybe a few lbs more. Instead, I had a lovely looking 103 on my scale. I was ecstatic. With all my clothes, jewelry, and things on too, without it I'm probably around 100lbs? How do I possibly lose weight when all I've been doing is eating fatty foods?

I've been taking lots of walks. I should probably consider taking some by myself. I feel like I desperately need to clear my mind. Everything with my relationship, everything financial, everything with myself. I always feel so cluttered. With everything.

On the other side, I've succeeded in buying my Tiffany's necklace. I'm so proud of it, it's gorgeous.

He calls me up screaming at me for a stupid mistake I was ABOUT to make. I didn't even do anything yet, and he's cursing at me and screaming at me. And the mistake? Going to see him before I went and did my homework at school. His excuse? That he told me before he wanted me to see AFTER and that I "never" listen to him. So what does he do? He leaves somewhere, says he's not going to tell me where he's going. Big talk from the same ass who makes me tell him every single little detail of what I'm doing, where I'm going, and approximately how much time it takes for me to do it. I sent him a text saying that I'll remember that, and I turned off my phone. Well I little while I ago, I turned back on my phone and read a text he sent me saying " than I guess you can remember to go fuck yourself."

He seriously does not deserve half the shit I do for him.

Another long-ass "talk" with my boyfriend last night. He's going to give me a break, but says that won't help fix himself. I'm his problem, and it will help fix me.

I've been feeling so unbelievably depressed. I seriously miss laughing. I seriously miss Really laughing. Not those stupid little giggles I've been giving. Those aren't fucking anything. They're fake. I'm fake. I'm unhappy.

Once again getting no sleep. I leave for school in a few hours. Three hours. I seriously want nothing more than to get away. Far from school, work, I just want it all to be over. Fuck I don't even know what day it is.

I read the history of carrots today. It was actually really interesting.

Oh my god I can't even believe how stressed out I am. About my appearance, my relationship, my own life, my work, my school. And the worse part is, Exams are coming up. I still have so much more to do, another presentation, 2 units ( 24 hours worth of homework) of French, That paper thats 50% of my grade, and whatever is in my history class. With work, they're doing contests, meaning we all have to work extra hard. And Fuck, I just don't care anymore.

I don't care about customers, I don't care about being polite, I don't care about other's "feelings," I have NO patience for anyone, No tolerance for anyone. I've reverted back to my bitchy, defensive, lonely self. And the weird thing is, I like it. I like hurting people, I like abandoning people, I don't like helping people, I don't like caring for anyone but myself.I hate people getting to know me. I hate letting people into my life, I hate not being in control of what I'm doing, I hate feeling restricted. And the only exception is Her.

I'm so sick of everything.

When I get home today from school, I'm going to sleep. The whole day, with no PHONE.